During a recent meeting, one of the Never Underdressed team noted the charming cut of a colleague's skirt - which she immediately rebuffed with, 'Really? I don't think it looks right.' Hmmm. This got us thinking: what is it about being told nice things about ourselves that makes us automatically go on the defensive until we have completely denigrated the compliment, squashing it down to nothing. Rather than take what's being said at face-value, we seem to treat it as if it's some sort of test to see how vain or smug we are.

While this may be a particularly British problem - we are known as masters of self-deprecation and understatement - it doesn't bode so well for our confidence and self-worth, let alone the way others see us. Capturing this peculiar social phenomena perhaps better than anyone is the brains behind the Twitter account @soverybritishproblems (Response: 'Not too bad actually' Translation: 'I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been).' But it seems this issue is more widespread - check out this brilliant sketch by US comedian Amy Schumer:

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So, why does a compliment get us all flustered and frantically looking for something negative to say to counteract it? 'Unfortunately, we are socialised into it,' explains psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos. 'We tend to elicit compliments in a negative way (i.e. fishing for compliments: 'Doesn’t my butt look big in this?') rather than openly asking 'Do I look nice?' Speaking negatively about ourselves is somehow more socially appropriate. The vast majority of self-talk centres around self-deprecation; it’s our go-to comfort response.' Sound familiar? Thought so. In an attempt to curb our instinctual negativity, we've added some classic compliments and responses below, with a suggestion of what we should say instead. 

Come on people, let's banish the negative self-talk for good.

Compliment: 'You look really well.'
Typical response: 'Oh, I don’t feel it!'

'Self-talk is a very powerful thing,' Dr. Papadopoulos explains. By not accepting an compliment, you're basically saying 'I don’t like the way I look' which then becomes 'I don’t like myself.' It’s also a bit annoying for the person giving us the compliment (especially if it's a guy) to have us immediately contradict them. They obviously want to say something nice and make us feel good - but instead we cut them short. Hence a better response to the above could instead be along the lines of 'Thank you, I feel good today.'

Compliment: 'That was such a nice meal.'
Typical response: 'Oh, it was a really easy recipe.'

'If we lack confidence, we tend to distance ourselves from responsibility, so that when things go well, we attribute them to chance,' explains Dr. Alex Clarke, Head Psychologist within the Royal Free Hospital Department of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery. 'But then we blame ourselves when things go badly. For example, if the meal we cooked was less tasty, then we would attribute that to our being a rubbish cook. The challenge is to spot this tendency in how we think and challenge ourselves to think and behave more positively.' So next time someone tells us they like our cooking, a simple 'glad you enjoyed it' could suffice.

Compliment: 'You’ve lost weight.'
Typical response: 'Oh no, I’ve put it on!''

How many times have we responded to a compliment like this by immediately arguing against it? (And practically calling our friend a liar in the process...). But instead of gushing how delightfully thin we are, it's sometimes healthier just take the topic of weight off the table altogether. According to Dr. Clarke: 'A better answer would be to talk about how fit and well we feel, rather than engaging in 'fat talk' which is associated with body image anxieties.'

Compliment: 'I love your dress.'
Typical response: 'This old thing? It was only a tenner in the sales!'

We all like to boast about a bargain buy, but perhaps we should shift the focus to be more about how lovely our dress actually looks, rather than focusing on how dirt cheap it was. According to Dr. Papadopoulos, a more positive response could be along the lines of: “Thank you, I bought it recently.' Or: 'It’s one of my favourites.’

Compliment: 'You should be so proud of how far you've come in your career.'
Typical response: 'Well, I’m nowhere near where I want to be yet. I've got a long way to go.'

It seems to be a typically female trait to downplay our career progression (it's hard to imagine a man responding in the same way). But the long-term effects of this might be more damaging than we think. In a Forbes article that appeared last year, writer Peggy Drexler was of the opinion that '[w]omen who deny their achievements outside of work may also tend to downplay their accomplishments at work. They may give undue credit to other team members.' Hence the next time someone recognises our achievements, we could simply reply with: 'That’s really kind of you to say, I’m happy that I’ve got this far.'

If all else fails, a great response to any of the above compliments can just be a simple 'thank you.' It's polite, concise, doesn't look smug and is a darn sight better than contradicting someone and putting ourselves down in the process. Indeed, it's about time we started acknowledging how bloody fantastic we actually are - minus the guilt. Deal?

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