1.    What a nice thing for us to do together!

Ah. This is nice. Mum and daughter out shopping together. A bit like that scene in The Parent Trap when Natasha Richardson suggests to Lindsay Lohan that they get “lost in Harrods” for an afternoon. Except it’s not Harrods, it’s The Harlequin Centre, Watford and you’re not 11, you earn your own salary and it’s rubbish. Really bad. You can’t afford anything and you feel guilty about buying stuff. But still, a lovely thing to do with your lovely mum. You probably look like those best friend mum and daughters, like Jerry Hall and Georgia May Jagger! The sort of mother-daughter team that buy British luxury leather brands with cool, casual ease, like they’re just picking up some groceries. Yay, fun! 

2.    She picks out something extremely horrid

“THIS,” she gestures. “Now this is very pretty”. It’s cut on the bias. Or patterned. Or teal. She picks it up in your size and demands you try it on. It’s the beginning of the day and you don’t want to hurt her feelings so you politely agree. “It might just not have hanger appeal,” you say, diplomatically. 

3.    “I think you need some vests”

She becomes obsessed with you needing something that is completely unnecessary and a bit seventies, like a slip. Or a radio alarm clock or a gravy boat or a bidet. She pushes and pushes and is unable to understand how you are functioning without one. You gently establish that this is never something you’re going to need or buy. 

4.    Changing room pushiness 

Armed with clothes, you go into the changing room while your mum sits on the chair provided outside. “HOW DOES IT LOOK?” she’ll ask after ten seconds and may even open the curtains. If she doesn’t like it, she says “well let’s try them all on first”. If she likes it and you don’t, she may try and sway you by calling in for the second opinion of a sales assistant or unassuming patron trying to go about their day. 

5.    A garment is dismissed as being “young” or “fun”

You try on something you love that she thinks looks either slaggy or garish. When you sense her disapproval, she says either “it’s fine – I mean, I think it’s just a generational thing. I think it’s much more for young people” or “it’s fun, isn’t it? Good for a party”.  

6.    A garment is dismissed as being “badly made” 

You’ve found an item that’s perfect and she likes it, but has an issue with how it is made. She dampens any love for it by getting very close to it and fussing around – putting on glasses and examining stitching or rubbing the fabric to test its viscosity. 

7.    She goes into one of her shops and picks out something bad for her

You decide it’s time to find something lovely for her – your lovely mum. She never buys any new clothes and she deserves the wardrobe and diamonds of Elizabeth Taylor! What a dame! She heads straight to a shop you’ve never heard of and seems to only sell carbon copies of everything she already owns. She tries something predictable on and you can’t hide your disdain.  

8.    You take her into one of your shops and pick out something bad for her 

You go into a shop you buy from and do a guided tour through the rails, picking out things she hates. Exasperated, you push her into the changing room, asking her to be open-minded and assuring her she will look amazing. There might be one winner, but she is normally right – she doesn’t look comfortable in anything and it’s just not the brand for her. You feel defeated. 

9.    “OK so we’re buying some vests?

She suggests again that you buy the item that you have previously stated you absolutely do not need. Snappiness may occur here. 

10.    The moody coffee

You’re both quite tired and can’t be bothered to walk to Starbucks, so you go to a weird deserted café in a pedestrian department store that sells cooked breakfasts all day. There are a couple of passive aggressive mentions about the car parking ticket. 

11.    The meeting in the middle

After a coffee, you reflect on the purchases of the day and what hasn’t been bought. Perky with caffeine, she admits that maybe that dress wasn’t as badly stitched as she had thought and you admit, yes, maybe you do need a pack of thermal vests after all. 

12.     The row of politeness at the till 

“I’ll buy this,” she says. “My treat”. You are overwhelmed with guilt and tell her she absolutely cannot. A very British bicker occurs, flapping each other’s hands out of the way with alternating credit cards until a surly sales assistant asks who’s buying it. And sometimes your mum does, because mums are great. Then you say goodbye and wrap your arms round her and smell her lovely perfume and squeeze her tight. And suggest maybe just a nice lunch next time.