There has been a substantial amount of noise around about the Carine Roitfeld documentary landing on 11th September, we'll grant you that. And for those of you who don't really care (*squints*) sorry to add to it – but the first five minutes of Mademoiselle C have arrived, and we think there might be something here for both camps.

Ultimately, the whole thing is brilliantly ridiculous. Carine comes across very nicely, but there are several comically grandiose gestures underscored by fashion people being unnecessarily grandiloquent about banal things that will make the toes of any mere mortal curl to the point of their being in physical pain.

In no particular order of cringe:

1. The opening shot is of an empty grand piano in a spotlight, as if Carine were a departing Liberace. Can she even play the piano? Who knows. The piano is never explained, it is simply an #emptymetaphor

2. That guy that everyone saw in the trailer who wears a harness? His manner of speaking is almost as complex as his outfit, until you realise that what he's saying is essentially meaningless.

3. Carine has to spend a lot of time with fanboys. She's adept at it – jolly, natural – but they're so awkward they practically break the camera. You might want to watch these scenes from between your fingers.

4. Some might say it was overly dramatic to soundtrack the scene in which Carine resigns from Vogue Paris with Chopin's Funeral March.

5. Stephen Gan told Carine upon her resignation: 'A great performer is always going to need a stage, and if I can be part of setting up that stage for you one day – maybe not right now, maybe a year from now – you know: think of me'. Thanks to this #torturedmetaphor, we know he's interested. Very interested.

6. Carine travels by helicopter. I'm genuinely starstruck by this, even though someone recently told me they are the silliest mode of transport in the world and shouldn't even be able to take off, given the physics. Whatever.

7. In a starry list of other contributors, which features Alber Elbaz and Diane von Furstenberg, Kate Upton's name makes an appearance. The phenomenon continues.