Madonna: the icon I find it impossible to criticise but am regularly shocked, puzzled and sometimes (whisper it) disappointed by. She's only gone and got a Goldie grill, hasn't she. How am I supposed to defend that? It was hard enough when she went to the Met Ball dressed as Hilary Devey.

I'm not going to say 'age appropriate', don't worry. But what I will bring up is the importance of context – that is, how relevant to one's personal situation, demographic and general aesthetic the purchase of a full metal jacket for your teeth is. For instance, I've just discussed the fact with a colleague that I'd quite like a Gaga septum ring, but we've nixed the idea on account of it probably looking dreadful on me because I'm a bonafide saddo.

It isn't that Madonna hasn't got the attitude to pull it off – her 'f*ck you' approach is what has made her great for three decades. It's just that, well, some things look a bit sad and a bit try-hard, which is one thing she most definitely doesn't need to do. That kind of attitude doesn't need to be flagged up with steel teeth; she exudes it already.

Remember the time she spent palling about with Ali G during the Music days? Same thing. Madonna, please take the grill off. This is ortho-don't-ics on a par with Mick Hucknall and Shane MacGowan.