I really love being a beauty editor. I get paid to review massages, sniff perfume, slather on cosseting lotions and try new makeup before the rest of the world, all by the light of an aromatherapy candle and some plinky-plunky music. But sometimes I think I may not be the best woman for the job. Because in addition to the relentless pampering and relaxation, there’s a good dose of pain, and it turns out my pain threshold for beauty is too low. 

Let’s be clear here – I am no coward. I have endured some of the most excruciating pains known to man without so much as a whimper. If I know something’s good for me – a mean workout, a wisdom tooth extraction, an episiotomy – I’ll be brave, but when it comes to beauty, the pain-to-gain ratio never falls in favour of something that only promises to make me look a bit better. I’ve managed to avoid the obvious culprits – Botox, fillers, cosmetic surgery. But now other beauty categories are turning into Stephen King synopses, too. Facial threading, eyeliner tattoos, vampire facials, flesh-eating fish pedicures, Vajazzling…even hot stone massage. I mean, how hot are these stones, exactly? It’s a world of throbbing, stinging skin.

Then there are the treatments you’re duped into thinking will be pain-free. I once had to have a pedicure ‘for work’. The editor next to me basked in the reclining chair, seemingly relaxed to the point of unconsciousness, while I bucked and whinnied as the small but ferocious beautician filed layers of skin off, scratched up my calves with an ‘exfoliant’ (broken glass), and cut bits of me off with nail clippers. “It hurrrrrrt!” I whined to my husband, who incidentally had spent his working day as a Physiotherapist helping a 30-stone man to stand. 

The same could be said of products sold for use at home – I have a bathroom full of agony and resentment. Wearing my teeth-bleaching tray feels like biting a steel girder, my pumice stone is a foot-loathing bastard and even my razor – the loving antidote to excruciating wax, epilator and laser – is baying for my blood. Take the innocuous-sounding ‘fruit peel’ – don’t be fooled into thinking it’s a harmless banana skin; it’s another acid-based exfoliant. Or the ‘daily scrub’ which feels like an ill-fated pairing of gravel and butter. Serums, lotions, cleansers, masks – they’re all former indulgences that now regularly make me want to cry.

But then again, what was that sweet-smelling, edible purple facemask actually doing for its allotted 15 minutes? And what discernible effect did cucumber water really have on my overflowing pores? It’s time to get real. It’s time to get medical. “Medical-grade products are the most popular right now,” says Dr Vincent Wong, Weilder of Frotox and thank goodness, numbing cream. “Potent ingredients in your skincare mean you can achieve effective results in your own home.” So, do we only believe something is ‘working’ if we can feel it working/it hurts? Uber-facilialist, Sarah Chapman certainly thinks so – “A tingle from a product makes you feel it is doing more!”

Alright, alright – beauty is pain, I get it. If I want to blast spots and lines I’ve got to grow a backbone. But where do I draw the line? “Actually, new treatments and techniques are being developed to reduce the pain factor now,” says Vincent, sensing my dark mood, “Dermal fillers are being applied with a cannula rather than a needle to moderate pain and downtime, and some other treatments are effective with no pain at all, for example, Slendertone Face.” So there’s hope for us yet.

A similar scenario arose when I agreed to a Thai Massage. I love a massage, but this felt more like someone forcing me to do the kind of Yoga even Madonna would balk at. This eye-wateringly vigorous manipulation is now en vogue with facialists too, it seems. If they’re not folding your face in half, they’re squeezing every inch of it, searching for sebum like a pig snuffling for truffles. Then there’s Dermarolling, a.k.a. the systematic stabbing of your skin with a needle-covered device of torture – it’s like aerating the lawn. And don’t get me started on peels. I can absolutely vouch for their efficacy, but they…BURN THE SKIN OFF YOUR FACE! Even a spray tan had me yelping last week – it was really, really cold. Crazy cold. 

So, when did beauty get so vicious? What happened to the dimly lit room flooded with the dulcet tones of Enya? “People demand greater results that a few years ago,” says Sarah Chapman. “And it’s sometimes true: no pain, no gain. Technology has moved the pain barrier, and the perception that the more painful the deeper it goes is true in some cases.” Vincent Wong agrees: it’s time to toughen up. “These days we expect a treatment to fight the ageing process – it’s not enough to feel pampered or just ‘look a bit brighter’. Going deeper than the surface of your skin may involve some pain.”